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An Open Letter To My Next-Door/Up-Stairs Neighbors

Dear Apt. XXX and Apt. YYY,
I’d like to introduce myself and also inform you that although we’ve never met in person before I feel that I know more about you and your own life than I would think even you would like to know. Specifically to the neighbor across the way. I’ve never lived in a dorm before but thanks to you I believe I now know what that small, uninhibited space would feel like. I’d like to first applaud you on your consistency in your daily life. No matter what, I know that at 4:15pm every day the sounds of Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin will be blaring with vigor out of your windows. Regardless of the monotonous guitar and drum beats, you will continually keep playing what seems to be the same song over and over again. A special note to the man of that apartment, I’d like to thank you kindly for always waiting to talk to your buddies about the most intimate part of your relationship until you’re outside on your balcony for all to hear. The corridor we share, only about 12 feet apart, is not sound proof, so your husky voice echoes sharply, and seeps into my apartment along with the glorious stench of your Marlboros. And to the lady of the apartment, that also uses the balcony as a place of solace to make gossipy phone calls to your best friend. A little word of advice, Yes your mother is right and your boyfriend is a tool, tell your girlfriend she shouldn’t marry her fiancé, and for the love of God please stop talking about your boyfriends inadequacy to please you in the bedroom. Now, I’m not trying to be nosy, but what is it that you guys do? Because for the past 6 weeks you have made sure that every Sunday night your friends come over, ingest a 30 pack of Budweiser each, play riffs on the guitar at 2 in the morning and finally depart ways around 5:30am only giving me roughly a couple hours of silence while you pass out in drunken slumber. What job is so secure that Monday mornings are this sloppy?

And to the neighbors that live above me, why is it that it sounds like you are moving every single night? I’m a student so there are days where I’m working all day and all night on studies. During the day I do not a hear a peep out of you. But much like the neighbors across the way you have proven to be consistent as well. Without exaggeration when 1:30am hits, my roof becomes alive. From what I can hear I’m assuming that you are an obsessive compulsive cleaner since it sounds like every night you are cleaning your kitchen, Oh how do I know you clean the kitchen? Well that would be because I can hear your garbage disposal go on and off….and on and off. My advice to you is to take the utensils out of the disposal so that the noise of metal crushing against metal is not blasted down to my apartment. And the sliding glass door outside your living room? Yea, I can hear that too. I particularly enjoy the way you slam it shut as if you weren’t sure if it had closed all the way. I also hate assuming but you’re either a very active large human, or you must walk around with weights on your ankles. The pounding of your steps is like a jackhammer to my ears. I’m curious, what is it that you do? By the pulverizing sounds, I would think you’re a professional bowling ball inspector. I image you with yellow dishwasher gloves on, holding a bowling ball above my living room, judging the sound of the boom to see if the quality is fit to be thrown again. Oh and to the man upstairs, with being such an active night owl I would think you would be full of stamina however the 4am thumping above my bed suggest otherwise. I mean really? I’ve heard guitar rifts next door go longer than you. In fact, just to drown out the noise one night, I thought I’d go brush my teeth and you were done before I finished brushing my tongue. So the next time you consider waking me up in the middle of the night, at least make it worth it and give me a show.

In the end I’m sure this letter may have been a shock to you. My only hopes is for you to look outside your menial lives and think about others. Sure you may not live normal lives like a normal nine to fiver, but you should at least have consideration for them. These are thin walls and while you of course have every right to live your life within them, there comes a time where you have to turn down the music. You have to realize your “F this” and “F that” conversations are being boomed through this 4 story building that houses 100’s of people. And if you find that you have to move heavy equipment, or feel the need to scrub down your apartment either do it in the very beginning of your night or at the very end but not in the middle at 3am. Lastly, we are all sexual beings and I know as a total stranger I should not know what I know or even be giving you the advice that I’m about to give you. But to you two men, start reading some books, taking some pills, or watch some videos online because there is only so much rolling of my eyes, and embarrassment for you, that I can take. And ladies…. really? You can do better.

I can only say that if actions aren’t changed I’ll be forced to play dirty. And since I know where you live, I know your work/sleep schedule, I have the imagination of a troublemaking middle schooler, and the technical brain of a sleuth, I’d think twice next time you think about making noise at 2am.

Your tired, sound sensitive, unhumored neighbor.

*Apartment numbers were excluded as to not reveal the identities of the archenemies. Not for my protection but for theirs. 🙂

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