You can learn a lot by the way someone makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Do they go all the way to the edges? Do they cut the crust? Do they cut diagonal or straight across? Do they put too much PB or too much jelly? What bread do they use? Let me help you decipher the various personalities you can pick apart by looking at a simple PB&J and how you can parallel this to having a more successful life.
Let me first explain the way I make my sandwich so you can see the real art of a psycho. First you must choose your bread. I choose wheat because I want to pretend thats the healthier option. If someone uses a wheat with sunflower seeds or oats in it, just simply walk away and say you have to go move your car. There is no room in my life for your barnyard style dough. Also, do not toast your bread, this isn’t That type of sandwich. People that toast their bread are also the same people that use napkin rings and iron their sheets. They’re nice people and like proper aesthetics but they’re slow and their patience is too Hannibal Lector-ish. No one’s got time for toasting. Move on.
Next step, the Peanut Butter. The brand ABSOLUTELY MATTERS. I use Skippy EXTRA CRUNCHY. There is no other right answer. Let me break it down for you. If someone chooses Smooth, they don’t take risks nor are they spontaneous or up for something new. Smooth people get their mail every day, lick the Whole tab on their envelopes, and also have had the same nighttime routine since they left college or their parents basement. Now… I’ll give you a little bit of headway if you’re a smooth type only if you choose the brand wisely. Wrong answers are Jif. I’m not sure why that has to be so sweet and oily, in addition to it tasting like tap water. And whats with this new peanut butter called Justins? I mean, I’m all here for being healthy but a PB&J is not that moment. I do not need to have a peanut butter that has no added preservatives, or long words with too many consonants, I’m here for the added sugar, the xantham gum and the citric acid (have no clue if those are even in Peanut Butter) BUT I’m not here for a clean eating type of PB so take your tree bark consistency Justin’s elsewhere. Sure you’ll live longer than I will due to the toxins I put in my body, but I’m here to make sure I get all the mileage out of this skin suit in my short amount of time.
One more thing, you may be asking, “What about the all natural, stir peanut butter.” Yes there is a place for that, and its not here. The stir peanut butter is the most annoying underdeveloped pantry item out there. It’s 2021 and they haven’t thought of a cool apparatus to put the all natural PB in yet? Meanwhile I’m sticking my butterknife in there sloshing oil all over the side trying to mix the crunchy peanuts in with the oil, only to get the most drippity drip drip all over my bread. No thank you. I’ll wait until someone invents a new type of bottle. We landed on the moon people in 1969, you can’t tell me that in 50+ years someone has neglected to change the bottle. *sigh* Ok, where was I? OH yes, Skippy Extra Crunchy, Why? Because people that eat it are reckless, and jump first think later type people. We live on the wild side. We show up to restaurants with no reservations expecting a table, and we don’t put coins in our parking meters because we are that confident that we won’t get a ticket. We love hard and we love like no other. Ok ok ok, I’m sure there are some exceptions to the rule and there are some real A-holes out there (like the ones that use Nutella, but lets save that for another day) but I would like to think the proctor & gamble survey would say that Skippy Extra Crunchy PB people are just better off human beings in general. Just my opinion but also correct.
Next, we choose our jelly. I remember as a kid I liked Grape, but as an adult, have you tried it? Wow, no wonder we were such wild little punks as kids. That jelly is sweeeeeeeet. I’m not sure if our parents understood that when they gave us a PB&J with grape jelly they were giving us the equivalent of a bowl of sugar and cocaine. Meanwhile doctors were prescribing Ritalin when they should have been just telling moms and dads to lay off the Smuckers Grape. My choice of jelly, I choose strawberry and I like it to be not too goopy and chunky but I also don’t want a diner style jelly that looks like jello with seeds. My hubs chooses blackberry which makes him a complete candidate for the psycho watch list. I tried it one time and…. how. the. heck. do. you. eat. it. with. so. many. damn. seeds?!😳 I couldn’t do it. The texture was… blugh. For the most part, jelly is a moot point UNLESS you’re choosing orange marmalade (who does that?) or if you’re buying one of those small bougie jellies that cost $15.95 at the store. I accidentally bought some cute bottle of jelly at the store and it cost me $22 bucks. In my defense, I was hungry and it matched the rosé bottle that I bought. I mean, aesthetics right? The gram made me do it. Real quick, don’t add honey, banana, or any other condiments to your sandwich. We are judging solely on the basics. This is a PB&J not an all inclusive acronym.
Alright so you got your bread, your Skippy Extra Crunchy, and your jam or jelly. What is next in the psychology of making the iconic PB&J? It’s all about how you spread it. For me, I slather my Costco sized Skippy on my slice all the way to the edges. I make sure that every bite has PB, AND I make sure its a few centimeters high. You basically want so much PB on there that the bread to PB ratio gives you major Got Milk vibes. (Oh side note: DO NOT drink milk with PB&J’s. It’s just gross). Listen, if someone doesn’t spread their PB to the edges, what does that say about them? It means that they don’t pay attention to the small stuff. They don’t 100% deliver in life. If their standards to a delicious 3 ingredient sandwich has them just schlopping the PB and Jelly on all haphazardly then they aren’t going to do other things in life with care and concern. Just get to the edges, be thoughtful, and trust me your taste buds will appreciate you, and so will your guest. As for the Jelly or Jam, same thing, put it to the edges, don’t just slap it in the middle. There has to be a perfect amount of PB to jelly ratio. The coldness of the jelly with the sweet crunch of the PB has to be just right. There is nothing worse than taking a bite and its just crust. This life lesson should be a Ted Talk. Just like the Navy Admiral McRaven has preached, “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.” So I say, “If you want to have success and change the world, spread the damn Skippy and Jelly to the edges. Period” and you can quote me on that and I’ll sign the book deal right now.
Last but not least how does a psycho cut their bread? Well first if you cut the crust off your bread you better be under 4 years old and even then, DEAR PARENTS, teach your kids to eat the damn crust. Maybe if you spread the skippy to the edges you would have better children. Again, just my opinion, but also correct. If you’re an adult that still cuts the crust off I’m going to make a blanket statement that you were breast fed well after you learned how to walk and had teeth and that you also have never taken responsibility for anything in your life and you’re probably the friend that everyone has to coddle. For the rest of us, I personally like the diagonal. But I also really get turned on by someone who doesn’t cut their sandwich at all. Thats baller status. That means by the time they get to the end, all the gooey and goodness is going to be pushed down to those last few bites. That person is the one that saves the best for last. I dig those people. Also, coming at you with another blanket statement, you’re probably really good in bed. Just an inkling. I imagine a non cut PB&J-er is someone that takes their time and does a full body cavity search. Ok sorry, I got distracted. Cut the damn thing in whatever geometric shape you want to, just don’t cut off the crust!
The moral of the story IS: treat your sammy with care. Approach it with the thought of how you do one thing is how you do everything. Be present, Don’t rush, Go to the edges, Choose great ingredients, I mean there is only one choice, Skippy Extra Crunchy (damn you would think this was a sponsored post) but if you do that in life, such as choosing good people around you, good mindsets, good foods, even better choices, then your end result will be much more soul profitable than if you didn’t.
I wrote this while scarfing down a PB&J and I had to also notate that the nostalgia of eating a PB&J, if you had a good childhood, is just beautiful. Brings me back to the good ol’ days when you didn’t have credit scores, your Mom would bandage up your scraped knee and your pops would tell you a life lesson while watching the sunset. Yea…. I think we are all trying to get back to that place. A place of happiness.
Love hard and live life to the fullest. Salud!